Friends and space.

It may seem strange to those who know me and those who read what I write but for most of my life, I have never managed to believe that the things I do are ever good enough. I often felt inadequate and “not good enough” to be friends or partners with certain people.  

Sometimes I simply couldn’t understand what others saw in me. I was very insecure.

I ended many promising relationships because of my insecurity.  In my mind, it felt easier for me to end it before they did.  Walking away rather than risking the heartbreak of rejection was how I justified my behaviour to myself.  But after a while, as I grew emotionally, I began to realise that I wanted and needed the comfort and support of long-term friendships.

So what did I do, and what can you do if insecurity is damaging your relationships?

Here is one of the first and simplest things I have taken years to learn.

Most relationship problems and social anxieties start with bad communication, which in turn leads to attempted mind reading.  

Mind reading happens when two people assume that they know what the other is thinking when in fact they do not.  This process of wondering and trying to guess what someone is thinking is a rapid route to feelings of insecurity and stress.

If someone says one thing, don’t assume they mean something else.  

If they say nothing at all, don’t assume their silence has some hidden, negative connotation.

My best friend, for many years, tells a very telling story. He was conducting a meeting which he thought was going very well. Then all of a sudden a lady got up and walked out of the room. He began to wonder what he had said, how had he offended? The meeting began to deteriorate because he could not concentrate.

At the end of the meeting, he sought out the lady and asked her what had happened.  "Oh nothing," she said. "I remembered I had left the urn on and left to switch it off. The meeting was going so well I did not want to interrupt by coming back in."

 Likewise, don’t make the people in your life try to read your mind.  Say what you mean and mean what you say.  Give the people in your life the information they need, rather than expecting them to know the unknowable.

I have also learned it is also important to remember that you aren't supposed to know every little thing going on in the minds of others, even the people closest to you.  

When you stop trying to read their minds, you really begin to respect their right to privacy.

  Everyone deserves the right to think private thoughts.  Constantly asking, “What are you thinking?” can provoke a person to withdraw from a relationship to find space.

It has taken me a great many years to learn this simple message and even now I frequently forget and cause my friends grief.

Have a wonderful day. Keeping these short because still finding it difficult to sit at my computer for too long.