In the past but still around.

It is odd how things that have long gone can still play on the mind. I seem never to be able to get rid of the recurring thought of almost nightmare proportions. I sometimes have a jolt and it is so real I am taken back many years and it feels as though I am still there as it happens.

Think of it. I leave school at fifteen having no academic qualifications and no possibility of having any. That was how it seemed. As I have said before it was not to be. With effort and hard work, I managed to find myself standing in a line of students awaiting that moment when I would be inducted and officially a student at Edinburgh University. I was a bit in awe of it all, was this reality. 

Moral Philosophy History and another two subjects and I had not a clue where to begin. Four days later I got a letter from the faculty telling me that over and above my subjects for my first year I would also be expected to study Greek and Hebrew which would also be examined at the end of this year.

Yes, I still awaken with the thought I am going to fail this I will never manage. it is so real I can break into a sweat. I did manage to pass them but still, the fear is there.

It is like being in the hospital after an amputation.

Amputees often experience some sensation of a phantom limb. Somewhere, locked in their brains, a memory lingers of the nonexistent hand or leg. Invisible toes curl, imaginary hands grasp things, a "leg" feels so sturdy a patient may try to stand on it. For a few, the experience includes pain. 

Doctors watch helplessly, for the part of the body screaming for attention does not exist. 

One such patient who had a serious and painful circulation problem in his leg but refused to allow the recommended amputation. As the pain grew worse, he grew bitter. "I hate it!" he would mutter about the leg. At last he relented and told the doctor, "I can't stand it anymore. I"m through with that leg. Take it off." 

Surgery was scheduled immediately. Before the operation, however, the patient asked the doctor. "What do you do with legs after they're removed?" "We may take a biopsy or explore them a bit, but afterwards we incinerate them," the doctor replied. 

The patient said "I would like you to preserve my leg in a pickling jar. I will install it on my mantle shelf. Then, as I sit in my armchair, I will taunt that leg, 'Hah! You can't hurt me anymore!" 

Ultimately, he got his wish. But the despised leg had the last laugh. He suffered phantom limb pain of the worst degree. The wound healed, but he could feel the torturous pressure of the swelling as the muscles cramped, and he had no prospect of relief. He had hated the leg with such intensity that the pain had unaccountably lodged permanently in his brain. 

To me, phantom limb pain provides wonderful insight into the phenomenon of false guilt. We can be obsessed with the memory of something that happened years ago. It never leaves,. Such things can cripple many things we try to do because we have never come to terms with the past.

This mistake or wrong action keeps coming back and spoils what we are trying to build in relationships. We can erect false barriers. We can end up like my patient shaking our fists in fury at the pickle jar on the mantlepiece. There is something that we just need to let go.

Have a great day remembering the past has gone and the day awaits.