The Middle Wife

The Bridge and Abbey Dunfermline.

I remember fondly some of the memories I have of being a school chaplain. I was school chaplain in secondary schools and primary schools.

Taking assemblies in those schools were so different. In the older schools there were a fair number of students who were there not because they wanted to be but because they had to be. It was often hard work to capture the attention of an assembly hall and to hold their interest. it was a challenge and I often found some interesting ways to build up ways to not only hold the attention for one assembly but with the promise of more for the next one. 

Primary schools on the other hand were always so different. Here the young children were full of enthusiasm, hands going up to answer and questions and give responses. Some of the answers and responses have stuck with me over the year, and I still have the odd chuckle. 

Sadly we did not have mobile phones where some of those could be recorded. 

I remember one school I went to every Thursday morning. On one of the Thursdays I allowed the children to participate by one pupil bringing along something that they thought was worthy of telling the school about. 

There were no holds barred and no criticism made of what the children said or brought. We took the risk, and on most occasions it paid off.  One I will never ever forget as long as I am on this planet. 

The girl, who had been so very keen to have her turn arrived with a little cushion type pillow, probably from a dolls pram. What followed was to say the least hilarious. 

Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes the  pillow  and stuffs it under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday."

"First, Mum and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mum's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I and the headteacher are trying not to laugh. The kids are watching her in amazement.

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mum starts going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' (Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.)

"She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now she is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mum to lie down in bed like this." (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!"   

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.' They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-centre, so there must be a lot of toys inside there. 

When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there in the first place."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

That is the thing with children they are so unlike us adults. They see life just as it is in all its innocence. And you just never know when you are going to learn interesting facts  and meet people like the, "Middle Wife."