What an Answer!

Yesterday I had a number of those annoying calls where you are advised of government schemes or you get nothing but heavy breathing and somebody then snatching at the call. The other ones I get are from companies looking for somebody who has owned my number in the past.

Yesterday I had a fun half hour thinking up some of the answers I really should put on my answer machine other than what I have, "Your call cannot be taken at the moment leave a message after the tone."

Here are one or two others instead. 

Hi, this is Ralph I am not at home right now why not talk to my answering machine instead?

This is Ralph's answering machine what are you?

Hello if you leave a message, I will call you soon. If you sound sexy I will call you sooner.

Hi Ralph's answer machine is broken this is his fridge. Please speak slowly and I will stick your message to myself on one of those magnet things.

Hi you are talking to a machine, I am cable of receiving messages. My owners do not need double glazing, their carpets are clean. They give to charity though a charity bank. They do not want their picture taken or heating fixed. if you are still with me leave a message and I will get back.

This is not an answer machine. This is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, think about your number, and think about your reason for calling. Then I will think about returning your call.

Hello I am probably at home. I am just avoiding somebody I do not like. Leave a message and if I do not get back to you, it is you.

Hello this is Ralph. Sorry I cannot answer. Leave a message and sit by your phone until I call back.

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent but everything you do say will be recorded and may be used by me. 

Irene and I cannot answer the phone right now but if you leave your number we will get right back to you as soon as we are finished. 

Hello you have reached the phone of Irene and Ralph. We cannot pick up just now we are both doing something we enjoy. Irene likes doing it up and down I prefer side to side. So leave a message and when we have finished cleaning our teeth we will call back.

Have a wonderful day, I promise not to call and try to spoil your day by trying to sell you something you know you do not want.